God wins…of course!

So after my earlier post  I decided to pray and had a meltdown…think Joey in Friends “Why God? Why?” Ok seriously I did have a meltdown. I went through chakra balancing tones or tried to and then decided some scream therapy might be better.  I railed at God and myself: how did we get here? I’ve worked so hard to become authentic, to not be fake, to not be a drama queen… Though I still seem unable to communicate emotions, as none of my friends seemed to believe me when I said I was depressed. What part of myself called this experience forth? I just keep thinking I KNOW this sick, tired, broke (both financially and at times personally) person is NOT who God created me to be.  The real me would be in a car or bus headed to the inauguration , not caring that I had no place to sit or concerned about my sleep or medicines; or really would have been part of the organisers because I have an events background…but I digress.

So I cried, melted and the thought of moving back home with my parents came up and that was it! That was when the true wailing began. I asked myself “Who are you that wants this?!” the response was it’s an old habitual way of thinking that is trapped.  Then God calmly said, well, have you done everything I’ve asked you to do? Have you gone through all your mail?When was the last time you took your St. John’s Wort?  Have you looked  for more work?  Are you visualizing and manifesting the life you/I want for you?  The answer to all of the above was a firm No. I had not done any of the above, believing that I was handling it.

Music is a thing between the HH and I, so after regrouping I put my ipod on to stretch. As I finished a song by Natalie Merchant came on…here’s the lyrics (reprinted without permission – sorry!) “I’m an effigy a parody of who I appear to be…” Hmmm….I’ll keep working on being authentic in this experience…wish me luck.

To pray or not to pray?

That’s the question…I feel very alone. No one in heaven or on earth seems to understand me or what I’m going through.

Since being diagnosed with Mercury poisoining and being laid off from my job, I gave up pretending I was super woman and admitted I’m exhausted. I accepted the fact that as my healthcare provider said to me, I was very ill. But it’s was all part of the plan right? God’s plan? Well I hate the plan…ok that’s not quite true…I don’t understand the plan. Who says you need to? that’s why it’s called faith.
Well let me tell you something about Faith..it sucks. You God, should throw more bones.

I talked to a friend today and told him I was depressed and he didn’t believe me. After I got him to believe me I explained that I am going after a job that back in the healthy days I could have done no problem, but now trying to get healthy; needing at least 8 hours of sleep; taking so many medicines and supplements; unable to really walk…how can I do the job? But I don’t have the luxury of taking the year off I need to heal my body. My God this I crazy!

So I can’t or won’t pray because I’m pissed at everything. God will no doubt wait until the 11th hour to save me/do something because he/she seems to like the drama. You, my darling are one to talk!

The Ugly M. #2…Men

NOTE: If you’re new to my blog I encourage you to check out the pages for some background.

 

I attended a Handel’s Messiah sing-a-long tonight, I went for me…to soothe my soul and reconnect to a part of myself. And I went hoping there might be some men there, I mean there are Tenors and Basses for God’s sake! Well I was wrong n that one! Gay men, Gay women, straight women, older men, Men with women, couples…no obviously straight single attractive men in sight.

There are a few things that I seem to have a hard time hearing the HH on…the M’s; Men and Money.  let’s discuss Men…or lack thereof…or let’s not and say we did, cause really the stories been heard a million times: attractive, intelligent single woman, mid 40’s can’t get a date to save her life and everyone is as mystified as she. HH: I‘d venture to say it comes from the same place as your Money issues… scarcity, lack, limitation and unworthiness...Gee you think?  Alright then, what are you going to do about it?  Good question…Pray? It’s a start, but honestly you have to work on retraining your mind. don’t go to that place, when you’re triggered…ok it’s late and you must get to bed. This is a longer conversation that we’ve already had several times and we can have several more.

The Ugly M. #1…MONEY

NOTE: If you’re new to my Blog I encourage you to check out the pages to get some history…

So I began today freaked out. I did nothing but dream about the blog…this should really be re-titled “the reluctant blogger”. Everything in my head became a post, I know I need to tell more people about it (I told 7) but this is like coming out of the closet or admitting you’re an alcoholic…I must come clean on the fact that I might be…”the same as everyone else. My dearest you are not special…or no more than anyone else, but what’s different is that you are listening” HH.  Thanks! OK so I will tell more people.

So I was woken up by a call from ATT as my bill for my blackberry was past due,”how is that possible?!” I screamed into the phone…actually I’m being melodramatic as I was very pleasant to the woman. What I said was “how? I just paid a huge amount?” Because I switched my plan the billing cycle got all screwy so I owe money. I paid it this afternoon but not before I went into a panic and a freak out that comes from this place of scarcity, lack, limitation, unworthiness…should I go on?  This is now the second full month of unemployment and I need to find work…God?  You see Money is one of the big M’s in my life that cause me to panic: Men and Money.  So I managed to get enough of a grip to remember to get on with life and get to my morning prayer (or really awakening as I slept until noon after going to bed at 4 a.m.).  Chakra clearing was a good plan as I centered  – I concentrated a long time on the root chakra (well being, sense of looking after oneself, being able to provide) and then made my way up. I prayed an abundance prayer, made my bed and got a call from a friend/soul sister (SS), who’s going through a rough patch in life but had some good news. She started with “God is so good” and then told me her news which was rather miraculous. She then said, “God was not going to let me wallow in self pity even though I really wanted to.” We then proceeded to do a very funny bit (to us anyway) on how God doesn’t really have time for the self pity routine…God: Yeah sorry about the free will thing it sucks and gets me every time too. So that person pooped on you? Listen I got wars, genocide and people not realizing they’re destroying the earth, OK?

Strangely her news and her faith and joy with God helped me get a little more zen. I stopped freaking and the HH told me to make phone calls. So I called a producer I’m working on a project with to push that along; I called my prospective client who still hasn’t returned paperwork to me and then sorted my finances. I fear doing that and then when I do it I’m so much better and happy knowing where the money is and truthfully realizing that I created the panic in my head. God provides. It’s all there. And there could be more if you stopped coming from a place of scarcity. You operate from there, everything is limited…only allowed a certain amount. As many have said that I’ve said…’you don’t ask for too much you ask for too little.’ Ask, ask, ask, ask, ask…What do you want? and then be willing and open to receive. HH  I’m working on it. I really am. At this moment I believe …

The first post….Yikes!

So… I’m doing as I was told/instructed to create a blog. Nerve racking stuff for a relatively private person…my heart is in my chest! The pressure to be interesting etc. etc. This is Exhibit A of a moment where I am NOT at one with God and the Angels aka the Heavenly Host (HH)…This is the ego self talking.

But I digress… the thing about doing everything as you are told, is that often you feel like you’re on a wild goose chase until the reason is revealed to you and then your like “Oh…that’s why you had me go there” so today was no different.

The main part of the day was uneventful, I did some cleaning my little sister (LS) and a friend of hers visited …I did all in the order given to me. My plan had been to go to the bank, deposit some cash and then go to 6:00 p.m. Mass. Well, by the time I left I was told to just go straight to Mass. I walked, as it was a beautiful night and that was the instruction: not to take the bus. After mass and visiting with friends, started to walk to the bank. I thought about some friends who live in the area and then voila! the husband (a fellow TV producer) was in front of me with one of their kids. We talked and within the course of the conversation not only did I get some subtle career advise but also an offer to pass my resume along. We said goodbye and I continued to go to the bank. Once there the HH said, “Don’t deposit the money in the ATM. Do it tomorrow with the teller” So I didn’t and realized that the bank run was just to get me to see my friend and get the career advice. Oh!

now the ego self kicks in….lame entry? Is this the best illustration of God/HH’s magnificene? A bank run?

HH: “Relax. It’s important that people know I am the God of all things including small things.”