Hey there! if you’re new to my blog I encourage yo to check out the pages and earlier posts for some history/context.
The “G” refers to guidance not money…the temptation is to say “unfortunately” but since I’m back in tune with the HH I’m remembering to be positive and grateful for everything, besides the $’s coming baby! I think the theme for today is “Man plans…God laughs”.
MY plan for the day: Get up at 10 a.m. (went to bed at 3 a.m….that’s another story my night owl ways/true nature) Pray, stretch,make bed. Go to noon mass then meet an old family friend who is homeless and living in a shelter or halfway house of some sort. This FF is a crazy story and I want to tell it before I go on with my day.
So, this FF was a prodigy, played violin and flute and was brilliant at age 14. He played in my Father’s youth orchestra and he was like a younger brother to me…i.e. he aggravated me at times because he had a huge ego. He was grand even though he came from less than grand background -a pretty broken and crazy home. Long story short (or at least this part) we lost contact with him. I ran into him in an airport about 12 or 15 years ago and he was pretty dismissive of me and was quite the guy in an Armani suit and all. About 6 months ago I was standing on the street corner talking to friends and a guy was crossing the street staring at me. His eyes were buggy and it made me uncomfortable. He came and literally inserted himself in between me and my friends. I thought “Great! I’ve attracted another crazy!”, I said: “Can I help you?”
He said, “You don’t recognize me?” The minute I heard his voice I knew who it was. It was an odd reunion as he energetically clung to me and literally wouldn’t let me go. He said things like, “I need to talk to you and girl! we have some catching up to do I need you.I’m looking for work” Yikes! I gave him my number and I never heard from him. The SS (soul sister) I has having dinner with extracted me , but the encounter left me unsettled.
Months later I got a rambling message on my cell phone from him. I tried calling back and left a message. Eventually we connected after running into each other on the street, I was with my little sister. Again with the desperate clinging, but self preservation took over and I said, “I can talk to you and give you advice, but I don’t rescue people.” It sounds harsh but I believe that in the list of people God gives you to look after in this life, your name is at the top. For me , even though I’ve said it a million times to other people, I’ve only just begun to practice it myself. We set a time and met for coffee and he told me everything. He cried. His story is that he never believed in himself enough to pursue music and went on to corporate america and made lots of money but now after some sort of breakdown was broke. I began as a typical polite friend but then guided by the HH I went for the core: “What is it, without any limitations, you really want to do?”
“Play the flute. I’m my happiest when I play.”
“Then you have to honor your true self and play. Beause you have a gift and to not play is dishonor to your soul and God. When you’re ready a flute will come to you, you know that.” I said. From there the conversation became miraculous and I watched him light up. We ended with him promising to call me and we would meet again.
Months went by again before I got a call. this time he said, “I’m on the corner can I come over?” I said no that I was too busy but that I was running to the grocery store and would meet him. Truthfully I was disturbed that he might have figured out where I live. We met at the grocery store and we chatted breifly and he told me tales, smelling of alcohol. I told him I might be able to get my hands on a flute, he was thrilled. I told him to call me and we’d get together with a friend who could help and I told him to stop drinking.
More months went by until I got a call few days ago and he wanted help with an idea to have the Rachel Ray show donate food to the shelter. We set plans for Monday afternoon. On Sunday he called and postponed to Tuesday- today..so here we are back at today…
I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. He’s an energy drain and has romanticized his time with my family. He refers to me as his sister, but I feel with that comes an expectation that I will throw open the doors of my home to him, which I’ve worked very hard to achieve the zen I’ve achieved so that will not be happening, because ultimately I know who he was and who he wants to be but I have no idea who he is. So suffice it to say a visit with him was not the hi-light of my week. Then I got a call from the company that I was laid off from inviting me to their holiday lunch- its a tiny company so me joining them for lunch made 4 people…but lunch was t 1p.m…the same time I was meeting my FF. I declined, immensly bummed…I mean who doesn’t love a free lunch with people you love?
After hanging up the phone the HH was like…Your going. There’s no guarentee FF is showing up. You need to go to lunch. I then noticed I missed a call from an unkwown number that had to have been a payphone but the message was just noise. I tried calling the shelter, but couldn’t get the number. The HH was adamant: Your going to lunch, you do not need to see FF. So I called back and said I could make it for lunch after all. Your probably wondering why I fought the HH… well apart from that pesky free-will thing we have, I didnt want to be rude to FF but it’s OK to be rude to yourself?-HH
Lunch with my former employer was so fun and lifted my spirits. I came home leisurely and then took a nap. I never got a call from the FF which tells me he probably didn’t show up.
This evening the HH said: You have to write. You have to try and get a query letter out for yoiur novel. Now my truest desire in the world and who I am at a soul level is a story teller. In 2.5 months of being laid off and looking after my health I’ve barely spent anytime writing and it hit me…or in discussion with the HH it was revealed that ultimately I still don’t feel capable and worthy of my dreams and the life I want. So as hard as I try, I always allow something to get in the way. So let’s say at around 7 p.m. the HH said write…what did I do? talked on the phone for 2.5 hours, did facebook, took the recycling out, cooked dinner, sent emails…finally at 10 p.m. I started and did it! Got 1 query letter out to a literary agency… everyone pray please. I know I have to do more than one but it’s a start, be proud.
Another missive from the HH was about my space. My living room and dining table have become my office and desk…talk about killing energy and feng shui! A few nights ago when doing my evening angel reading ‘Clear your space’ came up…I was like “yeah I was expecting that.” I looked around and relizeed I needed to find a desk. The next day another SS offered me her desk as she’s giving away furniture, and she told me exactly where to put it…in the kitchen. at frst I was like the kithen? to the HH was like Yes the Kitchen-(it’s New York we do what we can with space, so it wasn’t the oddest suggestion just not what I had envisioned/planned). Coordinating getting it now is, ok was the next hurdle as I was trying to coordinte with others collecting furniture but tonight the HH was like: get it tomorrow, so I sent my friend and an email and am trying to get it tomorrow. It’s now 2:o3 a.m and the HH says my SS will call in the morning, so I better get to bed.