I’ll come around to the better plan…

February 18, 2009

So it would seem that one of my biggest dreams is about to come true. My novel  is going to be published. A publisher reveiwed my manuscript and is interested in working with me. So what’s the problem you ask? Well in my mind, I would get this BIG book deal because they would be astounded by my remarkable talent yada, yada, yada… But instead they want to do this new thing in publishing called a joint venture, where I contribute to the cost of publishing.  It’s not self publishing – which I refuse to do, and they were adamant that their decision was based on marketing the book and them recouping costs of selling 5000 copies, not my talent.

Now the HH has been telling me that I would hear this week from the publisher and that they would move forward. So visions of dollar signs danced in my head, a book deal, followed by a moive deal and smooth sailing would ensue. You see I’m looking to be rescued and if it’s not going to be the man than money..Ah my old friendly demons. An Old part of yourself has shown up and it’s thrown you. HH

I’ll say. I just wonder if I could have done anything differently, spiritually, energetically. You know cleared the clutter in my propserity corner etc.

HH -Everything you’ve done and everything you did is perfect. This offer is perfect, You are where I want you to be. 

I was just so off. It makes me question myself and how well I hear you.

HH – You hear perfectly well, you just interpreted it differently. You are not “wrong”. If I would give you one piece of advice it would be to stop anticipating. Now let me be clear because I hear your question of dreaming and creating what you want. Do you want money or the peace you think money will give you?

The peace.

HH – So, when you are dreaming or really visualizing to manifest what you desire, don’tpicture the money, picture the peace and freedom. In the same way with the book being published visualize the joy the book will bring people not necessarily your fame. Fame is fleeting and really though your ego wants it, the fame is a by-product of the pleasure you will bring people. Understand?

Yes,  and I’m actually getting excited about it all now.

HH -Good! Trust me it is a perfect plan.

Crazy vs Faith

February 18, 2009

So…just finished a phone call with a family member…why? Oh sorry!  Ok seriously, trying to explain this existence to people is nearly impossible.

  1.  People see me as a go-getter. It’s actually accurate.  I’m also a phenominal actress so in the past my personal miseries, dissapointments etc. were never on dispaly so now when I try and be authentic and let people in no one believes me. I just told my family member that I’m too ill to really go back to work, meaning you know the big macher job where you give somewhere between 120-150% and make money. The family member said: “what do you mean your too ill? tell me what your talking about.”  This someone who’s been with me, who I thought saw my compromised walking, my hands not gripping. But because I presented the mask of “Happy me!” that’s what they saw.  N.B. That is not to say I haven’t applied for the big macher jobs, or even worked my rolodex, but I’m telling you as the HH tells me, this is not the time.
  2. Then after going through the list of homeopathic medications and their timetable, plus suppliments the family member was like wow! that’s a lot . So then in the course of the conversation they are at the worried point. What are you going to do? I’ve actually tried to explain this existance to them and even though they are “faithful” they want practicality. They don’t care that I’ve gotten back in touch with my authentic and  creative self – I wrote a play and showcased it, I dircted a staged reading; I production managed  an opera and will be directing full length play at an off-off broadway theatre. They don’t get that in the language of A course in Miracles, Conversations with God and Laurie Beth Jones’ Jesus in Blue Jeans that it is only about this moment, the eternal moment of now, that time and space are under God’s control and I can no longer dwell on the past and the mistakes I’ve made, nor can I worry about the future. They are figments of my imagination, only this moment exists and it is perfect in God’s sight. That thinking doesn’t work in the nuts and bolts world of a family member watching what they considered to be a successful person’s life fall apart due to unfortunate circumstances. So I don’t broach the subject. I just try and build an impenetrable  wall, that won’t crumble to their worried sound, sending me into a panic, that I’m missing something, or I’ll get caught with my proverbial pants down having missed the boat with God. 
  3. My family member does not hear God’s constant reassurance to me the “All is perfect. You must trust and keep the faith. Everything is happening as it should. Trust and be joyous.”

I end the conversation saying, “really it’s all Ok. It’s in God’s hands”. In there response you can hear what they’re really thinking: I’m crazy.

To quote REM…”it’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine”

February 15, 2009

So a LOT has been happening! Revelations, energy shifts, life shifts, growing etc. so much and I will fill in some holes but let’s talk about today and firmly shutting the door on one part of my life.

Remember that show Mad about You? well there was one episode where a line that has been in my memory for 12 myears or more came from. The line? “Women need closure”. I am  one of those women and I also cling to the familiar. I’ve always had amicable break ups too. Get the picture? So when I was laid off my boss who also doesn’t do closure well, let me keep my keys and hadn’t pressured me to pack up my things and get them out.  But now 5 months later the companies moving and I had to get my stuff out. But here’s where God comes into the picture.

As I said things are happening. the biggest is that a publisher is reviewing my novel. In Doreen Virtue’s Archanel Oracle card deck there is an “All is well”  Archangel Raguel Card. In a nutshell it talks about how often things can seem chaotic or seem to be going “wrong” but God must diamntle the old to make room for the new. And this is what God has been demonstrating to me over and over again. So in my mind and spirit, I’ve been cinging to my old job to some extent. Even though with each day  I realize how unhealthy it was, how dysfunctional etc.   When little things would come up as potential work through them for example I’d think “OK, this is good I can stay connected, but not go back there”. Uh…so why did I feel the need to stay connected?  I have no clue! comfort? familiarity? all I know is that a few days ago it hit me. that if I wanted to move on with my life I had to permanently shut the door on that part of my life.

So today when I picked up my boxes, I gotta tell you, I  was so happy! 10% emotional and 90% jubilant!  i left my keys on the main desk and felt giddy.  Talk about closure – SLAM! Woo hoo!!! I’m free. And the world is wide open. REM’s song was in my head the entire time. So yeah, it’s the end of the world as we know it but let me tell you, I feel way fine, because, to use yet another song lyric, from a gospel song sung by the Richard Smallwood Singers… “I have come  too far. I have come too far. I’ve come too far to turn around, a higher place I’ve found; this I know: I’m going to make it. I can’t turn back now.” Amen.

God wins…of course!

January 19, 2009

So after my earlier post  I decided to pray and had a meltdown…think Joey in Friends “Why God? Why?” Ok seriously I did have a meltdown. I went through chakra balancing tones or tried to and then decided some scream therapy might be better.  I railed at God and myself: how did we get here? I’ve worked so hard to become authentic, to not be fake, to not be a drama queen… Though I still seem unable to communicate emotions, as none of my friends seemed to believe me when I said I was depressed. What part of myself called this experience forth? I just keep thinking I KNOW this sick, tired, broke (both financially and at times personally) person is NOT who God created me to be.  The real me would be in a car or bus headed to the inauguration , not caring that I had no place to sit or concerned about my sleep or medicines; or really would have been part of the organisers because I have an events background…but I digress.

So I cried, melted and the thought of moving back home with my parents came up and that was it! That was when the true wailing began. I asked myself “Who are you that wants this?!” the response was it’s an old habitual way of thinking that is trapped.  Then God calmly said, well, have you done everything I’ve asked you to do? Have you gone through all your mail?When was the last time you took your St. John’s Wort?  Have you looked  for more work?  Are you visualizing and manifesting the life you/I want for you?  The answer to all of the above was a firm No. I had not done any of the above, believing that I was handling it.

Music is a thing between the HH and I, so after regrouping I put my ipod on to stretch. As I finished a song by Natalie Merchant came on…here’s the lyrics (reprinted without permission – sorry!) “I’m an effigy a parody of who I appear to be…” Hmmm….I’ll keep working on being authentic in this experience…wish me luck.

To pray or not to pray?

January 19, 2009

That’s the question…I feel very alone. No one in heaven or on earth seems to understand me or what I’m going through.

Since being diagnosed with Mercury poisoining and being laid off from my job, I gave up pretending I was super woman and admitted I’m exhausted. I accepted the fact that as my healthcare provider said to me, I was very ill. But it’s was all part of the plan right? God’s plan? Well I hate the plan…ok that’s not quite true…I don’t understand the plan. Who says you need to? that’s why it’s called faith.
Well let me tell you something about Faith..it sucks. You God, should throw more bones.

I talked to a friend today and told him I was depressed and he didn’t believe me. After I got him to believe me I explained that I am going after a job that back in the healthy days I could have done no problem, but now trying to get healthy; needing at least 8 hours of sleep; taking so many medicines and supplements; unable to really walk…how can I do the job? But I don’t have the luxury of taking the year off I need to heal my body. My God this I crazy!

So I can’t or won’t pray because I’m pissed at everything. God will no doubt wait until the 11th hour to save me/do something because he/she seems to like the drama. You, my darling are one to talk!

It’s OK Will; it’s OK Grace

January 18, 2009

          So when I was in college I had a huge crush on this guy, let’s call him Marty,who many people had a crush on, but he was in a monogomous relationship with a woman which quite honestly no one got. Years later, after college we dated, but it was always somewhat of a difficult relationship.  Intense, let’s say… understatement of the year! But I digress…we got to a point where either we were going to move on, get serious and head towards the alter or break up. We broke up. Marty told me later, that he told his mother, that the hardest thing he ever heard was the sound of my sobbing.

     Two years later Marty came out of the closet (Ten months later after Marty and I broke up, I got engaged to someone else, and then after a year and half long-ass engagement we broke up…  but that’s another story). Eleven years later with both of us living in New York we became roommates.We used to tell people we were the original Will & Grace.  Two years later we broke up all over again, but this time I did it (my therapist called it the “great divorce”). I realized that even though I pretended to be the big grown up, successful, career woman looking for love, I was actually the same 20-something who worshiped / loved Marty and wanted to be his wife  and I was doing a stellar job playing the wife of a gay man.  Marty once told me “I only leave for sex”.

   After the great divorce I cut Marty out of my life, think of it as emotional feng shui. It was the only way I was ever going to get on with my life and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Only recently within the past year has Marty been back in my life and I only do it in small doses. I was ashamed of the Marty relationship; ashamed that  I had so obvioulsy got it “wrong”, ahsamed that when people meet Marty now though they unequivovally adore him and fall in love  (did I mention how handsome he is?) that they say, “Seriosuly, you didn’t know he was gay?”

     Last night after a week of being couped up in my apartment working, I went out to  a birthday party for an acquaintance with whom  I’d lost contact .  People kept saying “Wow! That must be some friend on the coldest night of the year to go to Brooklyn!” The truth was I went to get into another social circle to meet men. Suffice it to say that part was a bust, as I walked into a room full of woemn all in the New York uniform of black pants and black tops. But it was good to reconnect to my friend. When I got home I was a little sad and I sat on the edge of the bed  thinking abut how I haven’t slept well in years, so I prayed and said “God, I want to sleep really well tonight, sleep like I slept when I had a lover beside me.” You know that sound sleep of peace, safety and comfort. I thought about the last time I slept well and thought about my ex-fiance, but it wasn’t quite resonating and then I thought about Marty and sighed. Yeah, I want to sleep that well. I cried a little remebering how much I loved him all those years ago when I wanted to marry him and it hit me: that was good love. It was pure soul love, there is, nor was there anything to be ashamed of. Who cared Marty turned out to be gay. It doesn’t invalidate his love for me or mine for him. Love is pure. And with that I felt the shift. This colosal crevice of shame filled in.

     I’ve learned over the years and particularily in this life I lead of late that God or the HH will get the message across in any way possible. Tonight  I watched Thursday’s Grey’s Anatomy ( amazing show! amazing episode!) and Dr. McSteamy says to Dr. Torres (after she had  lamented  (in a previous scene) that with each failed relationship she (emotionally ) shrunk), he tells her to stand tall and that she was out there, giving it a try and there was nothing to be ashamed of. And there it was…a little affirmation from the HH.

       So for all you “Graces” who loved “Wills” and you lament, beat yourself up and wonder what’s wrong with you, the answer is nothing. You loved, you tried, you put yourself out there. So now stand tall and go forth and try it again…just this time make sure he’s straight and available.

Amen.

Edges…

January 5, 2009

I was never taught good money management and I’ve tried for years to get it all together. It always feels that just as I get it  together something happens and then I’m back at the same place, the edge: which isn’t pretty.  and so here we are again…

I was laid off at the end of September and after the  diagnosis, I finally acepted how very ill I was and stopped pretending and pushing and faking it. I didn’t have to be at work so I didn’t have to pretend. I’ve been listening to God/HH and I’ve been proud of the fact I’ve managed to keep going financially for months now, but we’re nearing the end of the money and let me tell you something about my faith Ive discovered: It’s all good as long as there’s cash flow. So after lookign at the budget for the week and the next few weeks I’m on edge to say the least.

I spoke to one of my guy BFF’s who was a typical guy and tried to solve the problem as oppose to listening. and my main beef is really with myself and God. Why am I here AGAIN? What lesson have I not learned? I’ve been listening so why on earth are we going through this? Why do we have to get to the edge (of money or my sanity) before God shows up?  Oh no I’ve been here…you haven’t shown up. You my darling have been not  in LaLa land, but LackLack land. A place in the country of Poverty consciousness and in the county of Limitation. And you visit there every so often so that just at a point when you have almost forgotten those thoughts, or let’s say that land, and we are building a solid road to all your desires and all I want to give you, you let fear enter and then you hightail it back there to those thoughts and you limit yourself and me. After all, we co-create your life. I am not the God that wants you to suffer,( but if something happens I appreciate your continued love and trust in me).  I am the God that wants you to live to the glorious extent of who I created you to be. Stop limiting yourself. how do you feel now?

Not sure…I feel like I guard my thoughts and  that recently I’ve been so good about catching when I start to go there, to LackLack land as you call it.  Look, comparitively you’ve been spectacular, but to get where you want to be you must be vigilant. Call on the Angels constantly to help you, to believe in your worthiness for abundance, prosperity and joy. Ask Michael to take away the fear, ask Ariel to bring you the cornicopia of abundance I want to give you and ask your friend Uriel and Gabriel for brilliant ideas and creativity to help you create the life you want. It is all possible with me. Believe in US- you and me.

I’m spent and need to wash the dishes, go to bed.

Ah…you feel reprimanded and are hiding. Never hide, you are greatly loved. Go and rest. We love you.

The return of the prodigal blogger…

January 5, 2009

To my one reader…you probably wondered where the hell I’d gotten to!

 

Well I was feeling good (comparatively) and I over did it and suffered greatly for it. Then there was the holidays and I went home and saw the family which was spectacular…but there are guidances, messages and missives which I’ve missed so I’m going to attempt to catch up now…

Lots of G’s!

December 17, 2008

Hey there! if you’re new to my blog I encourage yo to check out the pages and earlier posts for some history/context.

 

The “G” refers to guidance not money…the temptation is to say “unfortunately” but since I’m back in tune with the HH I’m remembering to be positive and grateful for everything, besides the $’s coming baby! I  think the theme for today is “Man plans…God laughs”.

MY plan for the day: Get up at 10 a.m. (went to bed at 3 a.m….that’s another story my night owl ways/true nature) Pray, stretch,make bed. Go to noon mass then meet an old family friend who is homeless and living in a shelter or halfway house of some sort. This FF is a crazy story  and I want to tell it before I go on with my day.

So, this FF was a prodigy, played violin and flute and was brilliant at age 14. He played in my Father’s youth orchestra and he was like a younger brother to me…i.e. he aggravated me at times because he had a huge ego. He was grand even though he came from  less than grand background -a pretty broken and crazy home. Long story short (or at least this part) we lost contact with him. I ran into him in an airport about 12 or 15 years ago and he was pretty dismissive of me and was quite the guy in an Armani suit and all. About  6 months ago I was standing on the street corner talking to friends and a guy was crossing the street staring at me. His eyes were buggy and it made me uncomfortable. He came and literally inserted himself in between me and my friends. I thought “Great! I’ve attracted another crazy!”, I said: “Can I help you?”  

He said, “You don’t recognize me?” The minute I heard his voice I knew who it was. It was an odd reunion as he energetically clung to me and literally wouldn’t let me go.  He said things like, “I need to talk to you and girl! we have some catching up to do I need you.I’m looking for work” Yikes!  I gave him my number and I never heard from him.  The SS (soul sister) I has having dinner with extracted me , but  the encounter left me unsettled.  

Months later I got a rambling message on my cell phone from him. I tried calling back and left a message. Eventually we connected  after running into each other on the street, I was with my little sister. Again with the desperate clinging, but self preservation took over and I said, “I can talk to you and give you advice, but I don’t rescue people.” It sounds harsh but I believe that in the list of people God gives you to look after in this life, your name is at the top. For me , even though I’ve said it a million times to other people, I’ve only just begun to practice it myself.  We set a time and met for coffee and he told me everything. He cried. His story is that he never believed in himself enough to pursue music and went on to corporate america and made lots of money but now after some sort of breakdown was broke. I began as a typical polite friend but then guided by the HH I went for the core: “What is it, without any limitations, you really want to do?” 

“Play the flute. I’m my happiest when I play.”

“Then you have to honor your true self and play. Beause you have a gift and to not play is  dishonor to your soul and God.  When you’re ready a flute will come to you, you know that.” I said. From there the conversation became miraculous and I watched him light up. We ended with him promising to call me and we would meet  again.  

Months went by again before I got a call.  this time he said, “I’m on the corner can I come over?” I said no that I was too busy but that I was running to the grocery store and would meet him. Truthfully I was disturbed that he might have figured out where I live. We met at the grocery store and we chatted breifly and he told me tales, smelling of alcohol. I told him I might be able to get my hands on a flute, he was thrilled. I told him to call me and we’d get together with a friend who could help and I told him to stop drinking.

More months went by until I got a call  few days ago and he wanted help with an idea to have the Rachel Ray show donate food to the shelter. We set plans for Monday afternoon. On Sunday he called and postponed to Tuesday- today..so here we are back at today…

I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. He’s an energy drain and has romanticized his time with my family. He refers to me as his sister, but I feel with that comes an expectation that I will throw open the doors of my home to him, which I’ve worked very hard to achieve the zen I’ve achieved so that will not be happening, because ultimately I know who he was and who he wants to be but I have no idea who he is. So suffice it to say  a visit with him was not the hi-light of my week. Then I got a call from the company that I was laid off from inviting me to their holiday  lunch- its a tiny company so me joining them for lunch made 4 people…but lunch was t 1p.m…the same time I was meeting my FF. I declined, immensly bummed…I mean who doesn’t love a free lunch with people you love?

After hanging up the phone the HH was like…Your going. There’s no guarentee FF is showing up. You need to go to lunch. I then noticed I missed a call from an unkwown number that had to have been a payphone but the message was just noise. I tried calling the shelter, but couldn’t get the number. The HH was adamant: Your going to lunch, you do not need to see FF. So I called back and said I could make it for lunch after all.  Your probably wondering why I  fought the HH… well apart from that pesky free-will thing we have,  I didnt want to be rude to FF but it’s OK to be rude to yourself?-HH

Lunch with my former employer was so fun and lifted my spirits. I came home leisurely and then took a nap. I never got a call from the FF which tells me he probably didn’t show up.

 

This evening the HH said: You have to write. You have to try and get a query letter out for yoiur novel. Now my truest desire in the world and who I am at a soul level is a story teller. In 2.5 months of being laid off and looking after my health I’ve barely spent anytime writing and it hit me…or in discussion with the HH it was revealed that  ultimately I still don’t feel capable and worthy of my dreams and the life I want. So as hard as I try, I always allow something to get in the way. So let’s say at around 7 p.m. the HH said write…what did I do? talked on the phone for 2.5 hours, did facebook, took the recycling out, cooked dinner, sent emails…finally at 10 p.m. I started and did it! Got 1 query letter out to a literary agency… everyone pray please. I know I have to do more than one but it’s a start, be proud.

Another missive from the HH was about my space. My living room  and dining table have  become  my office and desk…talk about killing energy and feng shui! A few nights ago when doing my evening angel reading ‘Clear your space’ came up…I was like “yeah I was expecting that.” I looked around and relizeed I needed to find a desk. The next day another SS offered me her desk as she’s giving away furniture, and she told me exactly where to put it…in the kitchen.  at frst I was like the kithen?  to the HH was like Yes the Kitchen-(it’s New York we do what we can with space, so it wasn’t the oddest suggestion just not what I had envisioned/planned). Coordinating getting it now is, ok was the next hurdle as I was trying to coordinte with others collecting furniture but tonight the HH was like: get it tomorrow, so I sent my friend and an email and am trying to get it tomorrow. It’s now 2:o3 a.m and the HH says my SS will call in the morning, so I better get to bed.

The Ugly M. #2…Men

December 16, 2008

NOTE: If you’re new to my blog I encourage you to check out the pages for some background.

 

I attended a Handel’s Messiah sing-a-long tonight, I went for me…to soothe my soul and reconnect to a part of myself. And I went hoping there might be some men there, I mean there are Tenors and Basses for God’s sake! Well I was wrong n that one! Gay men, Gay women, straight women, older men, Men with women, couples…no obviously straight single attractive men in sight.

There are a few things that I seem to have a hard time hearing the HH on…the M’s; Men and Money.  let’s discuss Men…or lack thereof…or let’s not and say we did, cause really the stories been heard a million times: attractive, intelligent single woman, mid 40’s can’t get a date to save her life and everyone is as mystified as she. HH: I‘d venture to say it comes from the same place as your Money issues… scarcity, lack, limitation and unworthiness...Gee you think?  Alright then, what are you going to do about it?  Good question…Pray? It’s a start, but honestly you have to work on retraining your mind. don’t go to that place, when you’re triggered…ok it’s late and you must get to bed. This is a longer conversation that we’ve already had several times and we can have several more.


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